Another bum exam done and done

Warning, today's blog is slightly graphic and probably disturbing to most readers. That being said I encourage you to keep reading - cause otherwise what's the point?

Today's phrase of the day - "pre-lubricated rectal tube". Okay technically that was the word of the day on Wednesday but I'll get to that in a minute.

First I'd like to address a concern that was brought to my attention via a work friend. Her husband actually has this insane crush on me and I totally can't blame the poor guy so I'm stringing him along as my just in case dude. Brent buddy - this is for you.

I understand that some people (insert Brent's name here) were disappointed when I didn't update my blog more often when I was home from work for three long wonderful months at the end of 2011. I understand some people's (Brent's) confusion - I mean I had nothing to get up and leave the house for, nothing but daytime TV and books to keep me occupied during the day, couldn't even wear a real pair of pants because the waist band hurt. Well that is the answer to the question of why the blog wasn't updated more often. I don't leave the house, I become BORING!

I totally could have updated everyone in blog land the same way I updated my husband daily - "look I cleaned out the towel cupboard upstairs" or "I totally organized the pantry alphabetically and by baking, regular eating and random stuff." Or maybe my personal favorite "on Stephen and Chris today I learned how to make a vegetarian gravy from scratch that looks amazing!"

However, and this could just be my marketing and journalism background talking, I think that would have affected my readership in a negative manner.

So to all those people (Brent) who want to read more about my adventures - read on because today's blog post will test your loyalty to this page!

I had a check up today with my gastro - a sigmoidoscopy to be exact. It's a quick and uncomfortable procedure where a camera that looks like this:

is jammed into your butt hole about 5 inches in and then removed slowly so that your doctor can examine the inner lining of your lower bowel. For me today they were looking to see if I had any signs of disease and if my reversal was healing properly.

Before you go for one of these procedures you need to take a...drum roll please...ENEMA! Yes, two hours before you go to through the procedure you squeeze some fluid up there to do a little flush of the system.

The enema fluid is available over the counter at pharmacies, no prescription required.

Off I go to my local grocery store/pharmacy and hit the antacid/laxative aisle to look for what I need.

I was fooled a bit by the image of it on the shelf - besides having the word ENEMA in letters large enough that I was pretty sure the lady two aisles over could read it- the box looks harmless enough.

Oh but wait fair readers, I pull it off the shelf and then I hear a "what the?" from my husband. Turn the box to the side and the instructions are posted on the outside of the box. Which wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to see these instructions in graphic images to go with it!!

That first position is called the Sims' position. The only Sims I had ever heard of was those little make believe computer people - but no this is an actual medical term and is defined as the following:

a position in which the patient lies on the side with the knee and thigh drawn upward toward the chest. The chest and abdomen are allowed to fall forward. Left Sims' is the position of choice for administering enemas or conducting rectal examinations. Also called semiprone side position.

I think that kind of graphic imaging should be on the inside of the box on a piece of paper. Personally. I'm just sayin...

Besides the horrible pictures as you continue to read on the instructions say "remove protective cap from pre-lubricated rectal tube before using."

In that instant as far as the husband was concerned pre-lubricated rectal tube was the word of the day.

I just threw the damn box into the shopping cart and looked at him and said "I deserve better than this."

This morning I was re-reading the directions on the box to make sure I knew what I was supposed to be doing and believe it or not the manufacturers of the product have actually trademarked the name of their rectal tube - it's called a COMFORTIP TM.

Nice hey!

I will say that I've had to do a lot of awful and uncomfortable things since being diagnosed and this falls well short of what some of my worst experiences are. Besides being a bit uncomfortable it wasn't so bad. At least I didn't have to drink any rocket fuel. On the downside I don't know what they "pre-lubricated" with but it has the staying power of gum off hot cement on the bottom of your shoe. I just had a bath and I'm pretty sure I still didn't get it all off of there.

Waiting in the hospital waiting area my husband and I were joking around and laughing about the procedure. I mean only someone like me I suppose thinks it's funny that I'm going for a bum scope and I'm in day room #2 and I was his #2 patient on the roster.

I did ask my nurse if we were going to be in Theatre #2 and she laughed and said that he usually does use that room but today we were in number 3 and I couldn't think of anything bathroom related about the number three.

I did however pass on a piece of enlightened discussion that my husband announced to me while waiting - "hey I just realized that Dr. T is like a golfer - he gets through 18 holes a day!"

Good thing Dr. T has a sense of humor.

So - to wrap things up my incision is still healing but very slowly. This is mostly thanks to my medication which is an immune suppressant and affects things like healing.

Here's the latest photo opportunity for you - enjoy and if you live close enough and know me well enough if you print it off I'll autograph it for you. Oh and by the way, Dr. T is very happy with how well things healed, he says they look great and he's very happy. Score a point for team Potty Posse!

I have a follow-up with my surgeon on February 13 and I will keep you all updated. Until then, I leave you with this pearl of wisdom: You can save money in a lot of ways but it should never be by buying cheap toilet paper.

What was I thinking?

It is freakin' cold around here right now. And what am I doing? Getting ready to get out of bed and go to work. Definitely didn't think out this medical leave right. "I'll start at work the beginning of the New Year." "It will be a fresh start". I'm an idiot. It's minus 40 something with the wind chill and I'm going to have to get out of my nice warm bed and get dressed and drive in to work.

It could be worse of course, I do have heated underground parking at work and a nice cushy office but still.
So it's been two weeks to the day since I went back to work. How is it going? Good! At least I think it is.
The first week back was a 4 day week and the novelty of being in the office was kind of nice. People were excited to see me or they were at least putting on a good show of being excited to see me.
Then week two rolled around. Funny how after time off the second week back is harder than the first. Not only was it a full five days (which is a lot when the most you do for several months is go grocery shopping for a couple of hours in a week.
By Friday I felt like my brain had been run through a cheese grater.

I also went swimming without Chuck for the first time this month. It was AWESOME! I like going swimming. Makes me feel like I'm on holiday even when I'm not. And swimming without an ostomy was a joy. When I went swimming with him I was constantly worried. Is he sticking on? Is my swimsuit top riding up and people can see it? I made the mistake of a bit of horseplay with my sister in a pool in Florida and it managed to get knocked around and unstuck and that was the end of swimming for me that day.
Then when you get out of the pool you have this spot on your stomach that just doesn't dry like the rest of you. You can choose to blow dry your pouch until it's not soaking wet but that takes a long time and you kind of have to be flashing it around to do that. Or you can get dressed and wander around with a giant wet spot on the front of your shirt which looks weird and is darn uncomfortable.

I also spent some awesome quality time in the hot tub, something I haven't done since I got Chuck because the hot water made him not sticky and kind of angry.

This past weekend I went back to the gym and went for my one hour step class. I haven't done anything except light yoga for three and a half months so I was pretty nervous that I was going to spend most of the class with my head between my knees trying to not vomit. But I rocked out on the baby step and I killed it if I do say so myself.
The best thing about working out Chuckless? I have some control over bathroom time. When you have an ostomy you can control how it empties a little bit by your diet and when you eat. But that's about it. When it decides to fill up you have no say in the matter. And when do your insides get working the most? When you do physical activity. And when you're scared I guess...
So I did a whole class without my ostomy bag filling up to the point where I had to leave class and empty it. I also didn't worry that any of the twisting or movement would cause any problems with it sticking.

In all I'm really enjoying my new Chuck free lifestyle.
I am getting a lot of questions about what I can and can't eat. I can eat anything, but I feel best when I follow a pretty strict food plan. A lot of lean meats and vegetables, definitely breakfast, lunch and dinner with snacks. If I'm going to have grains then whole grains are best. That's the diet most of us should be following but I notice a huge difference when I do it simply because the digestion train in my body has way less tracks to cover.
If I eat beets at 6 p.m. beets are leaving the station by 8 p.m. And if I'm not careful they're leaving the station in a hurry.
By carefully watching what I eat I don't have to take any anti-diarrhea pills unless I'm not feeling well or I'm attending a special event. I know a lot of post-ostomates take them daily but I don't.

I have a scope next week - sigmoidoscopy - just to check and see that everything has healed well and that I have no signs of illness in there. I feel amazing, but I'm always nervous about what they're going to find. I don't know if exercising, being careful how I eat and taking good care of myself will make much of a difference in the long run but I know it sure can't hurt. I am on a mission - a mission to not have to go through surgery ever again. Hopefully with the advancements in medicine and a focus on my health my zombie tummy has seen it's last slice.

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming

Wow, last weekend of November already but I have to say that things are progressing really well. Home care has been wonderful and I have a new photo of the "Zombie Tummy"...it's more like a little ugly tummy now. Kind of like the ugly duckling, misunderstood.

I'm slowly getting into the routine of what things will trigger an upset tummy and send me racing for the bathroom. Things work slowest and best if I manage to get some good whole grain carbohydrates in my system first thing in the morning. I imagine my digestive tract is like a highway system...but now mine doesn't have any traffic lights on it making the trip much much quicker.

For example, the other day I gave myself a panic attack in the bathroom. It appeared that I was bleeding profusely and I was confused and couldn't figure out what had gone wrong. I had been feeling good and had no bleeding or issues since I came home from the hospital so why now 6 weeks later? After fretting and worrying about it for about an hour it suddenly dawned on me that I had tomato soup that day. If something brightly colored goes in, it comes out looking brightly colored.

If you don't know what I'm talking about picture what happens after a normal person eats a whole lot of beets. Usually the next day you go to the bathroom and you're like "What the?" cause your number two is brightly colored. Well for me that transition happens more frequently and within about 2 hours depending on what I've eaten.

I've started practicing yoga again. Slowly and not doing a lot of the "laying on the stomach" positions. I still have a very hard time laying on my stomach or putting any pressure on it whatsoever.

I'm also very sore around my Chuck hole. While my incision was healing I ran into a problem called hyper-granulation. It's where the skin gets a little too ambitious and starts to grow way too fast and too much and you get this weird blistery looking spot on your cut. It's apparently very common and nothing to worry about it, but in order to kick start your body into doing what it's supposed to again instead of being over eager they use silver nitrate and burn the skin back to start the process over more slowly. Silver nitrate is the same stuff they use to burn off warts.

It stings a little bit but I really had hardly any discomfort considering how numb all my incision areas are. Now my Chuck hole is sore though because it had to be burnt a few times so the outer healthy skin tissue was slightly affected so it stings a bit if it's touched or if I move around too much.

So what have I been doing to keep busy? I've read over 10 books since I've been home. I also baked my husband a golf cupcake birthday cake. My closets and cupboards are crazy clean and there is always something good for supper when the man who's bringing home the bacon gets home. Which I think he appreciates.

I've had some serious struggles with Employment Insurance this time, things that didn't happen last time I had to use it. It's hard not to pick up the phone and scream at the poor person who picks up the phone on their end. It's not the call center person's fault that they decided I had to wait an additional 4 weeks before receiving any benefit and that my first benefit check would not be a full one because I got paid for out of pocket expenses. Insert angry face here. Oh well, if it was easy I guess everyone would be on EI all the time.

To wrap things up, my incision is almost closed and the thing I'm most looking forward to trying is - SWIMMING! Swimming with an ostomy is totally doable and lots of people do it all the time. I am very much looking forward to swimming without a pouch, not having to worry about that wet pouch while I'm trying to get dried off and into my clothes and not having to worry about a bump that might dislodge the bag and fill the pool with poop. I'll let you know how it goes and I'll also keep you up to date on the rest of my days off go!!

The road to recovery

This is your digestive system.

This is your digestive system with Crohn's Disease.

I had surgery three weeks ago on Tuesday. I was in the hospital for 5 days - and if I had stayed one second longer I would have murdered someone and I would be writing this blog from a jail cell. If inmates are allowed to have computers - and internet access - which I'm sure they're not.

I want to tell you - MORPHINE AND THE Patient Administered Dosing system-ajiggy - BEST THINGS EVER INVENTED! Last time I went through unbearable pain and didn't even open my eyes for two whole days. This time was much much better. Probably a combination of me being super healthy before surgery and the better pain management.

I had a great team of surgeons and wonder of wonder - lovely student nurses! During the week the 3rd year RN students were working at the hospital and each of them got 2 patients only so you get a lot of undivided attention. It was lovely, my nurses this go round were wonderful.

My first night there was sucky, I had a room mate who was overflow from orthopedics and she was throwing up and yelling and farting all night...not even a tiny exaggeration. She got moved and my new room mate was wonderful, a lovely lady who had gastric sleeve surgery for weight loss. We got along great. She went home and I got a night to myself and on my last night another room mate but she was older and pretty okay. I think I probably kept her awake more than the other way around.

My advice to anyone about to go through this surgery - get diaper rash cream and the softest most wonderful toilet paper you can buy. I even have wet wipes that are flushable. If you have not used that particular outlet before and suddenly after having no food for several days it turns on - you won't be wiping, you'll be dabbing. And often. And the doctors won't give you anything to slow that train down.

As one of my doctors told me after a night of zero sleep "the bowel is like an athlete, it has to be trained."

Finally after about a week and some good solid food and getting home things have slowed down and I'm not screaming like an infant with the worse case of diaper rash you've ever seen.

I do have one complaint - same scar - half the number of staples and what does this equation add up to? My incision has ripped open and I have a surgeons appointment tomorrow to figure out what to do about it. The staples are out. They migrated and moved out of the incision and weren't doing any good.

Funny story - see that big hole in my tummy on the right hand side? The nurses tried to tape it closed (which isn't possible because there's no extra skin there, it's just a hole to fill in where Chuck used to hang out) and when I complained that it was hurting me the way they were tugging on my gut they said....wait for it....if we don't tape this closed you're going to have a big scar.

EXCUSE ME? Are you missing the railroad tracks that run vertically from my boobs to panties? Granted some vain individuals would probably be freaking out if they end up with a scar like this but I'm going to tell people it's either a bullet wound or a shark attack. Both way more exciting than the truth.

I don't have a lot else to talk about right now, my days are a haze of codeine, tylenol, daytime television and napping.

I did manage to read two books though so that is awesome. As I'm feeling better I'll be able to start doing more. Right now I shower with a bath chair cause I can't stand up for long periods of time without getting woozy and falling in the shower is not something I'm interested in doing. I go up and down the stairs at home but as little as possible. And I've finally been able to start blowing my nose and coughing a little - but sneezing is still absolutely out of the question.

Oh and things are finally starting to be funny - laughing hurts like an SOB for quite a while after.

Anyway stay tuned and here are some pics of hospital me for your entertainment!

Right after surgery - that black cord and button were my morphine pump and button - my MAGIC button.

They check your incision by drawing awesome maps on the bandages. They write a time on it so the nurses and doctors can see how badly it's bleeding and where.

Me with some awesome flowers sent by my Calgary work team

Me recovering at home with one of my constant nurses!

I just passed my pre-admission!

It's crazy but every time I go to these things I feel like I'm about to write a test and I'm always so excited when I think I get an A!

This morning I had my pre-admission clinic. For anyone who has never gone through major surgery the hospital brings you in to check you over and find out "if you are healthy enough to have surgery."

So I was at the Royal Alex at 7:30 a.m. this morning and headed into my session. These clinics can last anywhere from 1 hour to 8 hours depending on your current medical condition and what surgery you are going in for. For me today it was 3 hours.

You start off double checking all your chart information, then you watch a video about surgery and what to expect in a room full of other people. This time I dragged my husband along - last time I went alone because I didn't know you could bring anyone.

I always like to look around the room and try to guess what people are in for...there was an older gentleman there with his wife, both of whom had a British accent and I'm pretty sure he's getting ready for back surgery. There was a guy there who looked like he had an illness from birth and he said he was going in for his billionth surgery (which I think is an exaggeration...but you never know I guess). There was a larger gentleman who I am guessing was going in for weight loss surgery and then in the corner was the last patient besides me.

It was like a flash back to a couple of years ago - she was horribly thin, pale, and I'm sure she's in to get the same surgery I had 2 1/2 years ago. I wish I could have gone up to her and given her a hug and told her that the surgery would be life changing and she had so much better things to look forward to.

But just in case she was there for a boob implant or something it's best that you don't do those random acts of hugging. Besides - I'm not much of a hugger anyway.

Anyways, I'm happy to report that the video was new - they've redone it since I last saw it. Then you get taken into your own personal exam room and today I had to have 1) blood work, 2) chest x-rays, 3) meeting with the anesthetic doctor, 4) meeting with the ostomy nurse, and 5) meeting with internist who talks about medications etc. That's over and above all the chatting you do with the nurse in pre-admission.

I'm going to skip the boring humdrum parts - good news I have my pink bracelet back again! I need to keep it on until surgery, it's so if I need blood they can identify me and identify my blood type.

Let's get to the good stuff. Last time I had an internist (doctor) who had an accent so brutal that I couldn't understand a word he said. Now I don't mean to sound rude but these are kind of important conversations and I think you need to insist either on lessons to dumb down the accent or get someone who doesn't have a terrible accent.

This time I didn't run into that...but you should have seen the anesthesiologist who darkened my door! First off his clothes were all wrinkly and looked like they hadn't been washed in about a year. So maybe he was on late shift at the hospital - but that didn't explain the major sweating issue. It's never overly warm in any hospital but I was afraid this guy was going to get my gown wet if he came anywhere near me. There was certainly no hand shaking going on!

Then he gets up to leave, turns around and his pants are falling down and his Joe Boxer boxer shorts are hanging out over the top and his shirt is so wrinkled it only comes part way down his back. SERIOUSLY? I am hoping and praying he is not the guy in the OR on my day!!!

Get past that speed bump and head to my last and final stop - x-ray for a chest x-ray. They do this to check for fluid to make sure you are not going to end up with a horrid case of pneumonia after your surgery. And who do I get? An x-ray technician with a lisp! It's kind of impossible not to laugh when he is asking if I was there for my "chetht xth-ray"...

So the countdown continues - one week from today and I will be under the knife and Chuck will be re-attached to my parts on the inside...

This is what I came out with last time - I was soooo skinny.

The final countdown!

Anyone who went to school in the early 90’s will remember that song – it was usually playing when your high school sports team was taking to the floor!

So I have a little experiment for all of you to try – it can definitely be done at home. First of all I want you to go to your liquor cabinet and mix yourself several of your favorite cocktails and drink those down. Enough so that you’re a little bit happy and unsteady on your feet but not so many that you fall down or puke or anything.

Next go into the kitchen and get a Ziploc bag and a bottle of water. Now open the Ziploc bag and hold it around pelvis level and then in a seated position try to pour the water into the bag without getting it all over yourself and without dropping the bag. You have just tried to empty your ostomy pouch when you’re partying.

I attended the St. Paul Rodeo Beer Fest on the Saturday of the long weekend. Got a little tipsy and posed in a group photo with a bunch of Philipinos…don’t know who they are and I am sure I will only ever see that photo through the magic of social media if ever. Also got the idea for the experiment and a blog post.

But I’m not done there! I have received the go ahead from both my surgeon and my doctor to get the reconnect surgery. I had an appointment with my surgeon and asked him straight up – “so do you install some PVC pipe in there with a little plumbers tape and glue?”

I don’t think my surgeon thinks I’m as funny as I think I am. For those of you who want to know – they staple you together.

The official date of the surgery – September 27. I’m officially done work September 23. I’m officially no longer dreading that weekend because I don’t have to do the prep for it. I don’t have to drink the nasty stuff that makes you empty your insides like an atomic bomb has gone off in your tummy. I don’t have to have only clear fluids for 2 days and survive on jell-o. Just no eating or drinking after midnight the night before.

Last time I had 47 staples but I was 120 pounds soaking wet at that time 3 years ago…I’m more than that now. So will I need more staples to close me up? Probably. The surgery cannot be done laproscopically (I never know how to spell that word) because they need room to root around in there.

I haven’t had to go number 2 in the traditional sense in 3 years. I am telling you that first time will not be comfortable let alone trying to do that with a cut open stomach that is healing. I got some great advice from my sister in law though – a cup of coffee and a good book!

Stay tuned – my pre operation appointment is September 20 – last time I had some doctor I couldn’t understand (see post from several years ago). It will be good to compare this visit with last time!

Chuck goes to New Orleans

Chuck may as well be a super hero. I like to imagine that the pouch is more of a cape and that he goes around doing things that no one expected he would be able to do.

Go to the West Edmonton Mall Water Park? YES! While there did he face down big waves and plummet down scary waterslides that give whole new meaning to the word wedgie? YES! (Let's just say I'm very thankful for Chuck as one particular slide was enough to make you almost eat your shorts and I'm sure for those people who have to use that part of their anatomy any trip to the bathroom was probably painful.)

So what is the latest that Chuck did? Well Chuck and I went to New Orleans to help do Katrina relief.

Let me back up a little - I work for Boardwalk and right here and right now I'm going to lay down what is so awesome about working for this company. Several times a year our CEO spends a boat load of money and takes around 40 people to go do volunteer work. They used to go to Tijuana and work with YWAM (Youth With a Mission) but with the unrest in Mexico right now the new location this time was New Orleans.

So off we went to high humidity, crazy high heat, no local bathrooms and a room mate I've never met before for the whole weekend. There were long flights, foods we don't usually eat and hard physical labour which was tough on my precious computer typing fingers that don't usually see any kind of real work.

I think it is safe to say that the world has mostly forgotten about New Orleans. Hurricane Katrina seems like a lifetime ago and how could a city in the USA possibly need help 6 years later? When you drive down the street everything seems okay at first glance but then you notice most of the houses look like this one - broken windows, chains on doors and no one living there.

The build team I was on was doing mudding and taping in a house that belonged to a man named Milton. Milton is in his 80's and had to go to work to start paying rent so he could live in New Orleans - even though he's owned a house for almost 50 years. Right now that house is in the process of finally being fixed up - 6 years after the fact. This is a picture of Milton sitting with us on Saturday - he came for a visit to say thank you to the volunteers for working on his house. I'm surprised the picture turned out - it's hard to take a picture when your eyes are full of tears.

He used his cane to point to where the water rose on the house - it went right up past those stairs you see on the right and stayed that way for 2 weeks.

Imagine a community where your whole family lives close by. Both sets of grandparents are near and it's not unusual for your kids to be able to walk to several homes belonging to aunts and uncles. The tight-knit community became a huge liability during the flood - everyone lost everything and no one had anyone to turn to and live with during the rebuild.

On top of that the housing that was liveable now is renting at a premium price because of the lack of supply.

In comes the St. Bernard Project - the group that we helped out with. They do mold remediation and rebuild the homes from the bare studs. To say that it touches a persons heart would be an understatement. We heard from one woman (a deputy sheriff) that they were finding bodies in homes even 2 years ago - when your whole family is wiped out no one thinks to go looking for you.

Chuck did amazing even though the humidity was so crazy that I probably could have wrung water out of my clothes every night. I did change him on the Sunday but that was more for my own comfort and not because he really needed it.

He did great on all the flights - even flying through the night on the Friday. And I can safely say that without having gone through the surgery there was no way I would have been able to participate in this amazing weekend. There was no washroom facilities at the home - we had to make van trips to the local McDonalds. Luckily I had the best van driver of the group and that meant washroom breaks whenever our team needed.

I can say this - even if the only thing that had come from the past weekend was meeting my Edmonton team members and spending time with my co-workers from across the country I still would have called it a huge success. Helping out a family or two in need was icing on the cake really - or maybe it was the other way around.

Hmm...maybe I should get someone to draw Chuck in a comic book - he could be OSTOMY MAN!!! Even if I am never able to get the surgery reversal and even if I'm never independently wealthy and even if I never live anywhere other than my own little house, I am so blessed. The city of New Orleans is in my prayers and if you ever think that maybe you'd like to do the travel/volunteer option I totally recommend a trip to New Orleans and volunteering for the St. Bernard Project.