Well faithful blog readers I have returned from my Christmas holidays. I spent 10 fabulous days in Florida exploring all the corners of DisneyWorld, Busch Gardens Tampa Bay, the Kennedy Space Centre and much more.
I don't know if it was all the G's I was pulling on the rides (I'm a roller coaster addict) or if it was that I spent way more time walking and standing upright than hunched at a desk with my generous muffin top pushing out in odd ways but Chuck did very well on vacation. I got five nights wear out of him most of the time and only had one flange that had a bit of an issue. And that includes going swimming and soaking in our spa at the condo we rented. WOOHOO!
I did have to change my flange once at DisneyWorld - the husband and I have worked out a system where he now pre-cuts flanges for me so that I don't have to mess about with that and I can just stick on a new one if he's not available to help me or if I'm in a woman's washroom at a very crowded theme park and he doesn't feel comfortable busting in on that and jumping into my tiny cramped stall.
I would like to let you all know that I went on not one, but two space flight simulators. One at NASA which is a simulation of actual take off for astronauts and one at Epcot called Mission Mars where the Disney Imagineers spent over a year conferring with astronauts to make the most realistic flight including take off and space landing on Mars. And Chuck did super fine both times. Which means that when we start moving to the moon I don't have to worry about him, he'll do fine for the trip.
This is a picture of an actual toilet on the space shuttle by the way:
I have to admit, I was a little nervous at first. I had never gone on anything that was meant to pull your body in different directions. It's nerve wracking when you're standing in line for the Aerosmith Rock N Roller Coaster and as you're about to get into your cart (in the front of the speeding limo roller coaster car) it crosses your mind that if your flange decides it really doesn't want to stick on anymore thanks to all the moving and shaking and racing around...then not only is it major bad news for you, imagine what it means for every single other passenger in this roller coaster at this time. I had images of that picture you can buy after the ride and what everyone would look like if my flange just popped off at the start of the coaster. I mean it's not like you can radio someone and say "we have a poop emergency can you slow this thing down and let me off?" And would the other passengers be happy to hear that they're not cleaning off vomit but something else??
Luckily, nothing like that happened and I enjoyed my 10 days greatly. I have decided to dedicate this blog to all the different bathrooms I got to visit during my 10 day tour.
1) washrooms at DisneyWorld - they suck. For all the money and imagination they put into every park and the fireworks shows and everything else they certainly didn't spend any extra coin on bathrooms in this place. Although it's true they're readily found throughout the park, it's also true that for the most part there are only 6 or 7 stalls and I don't have to tell you that in a park full of women and children (there were about 50,000 people there on average) the line ups can get crazy long. Now picture this, you are little ol' me and you need to not only stand in line but at some point you have to zip over to the sink and fill up your little squirt bottle that you use to rinse out your poo pouch. Do you think that cranky lady with the mustache who's eaten too many deep fried turkey legs is just going to smile nicely at you while you wheedle your way back into your place in line? Well she didn't and I didn't care. I butted my way back into line without so much as an excuse me and thank you.
Other than that they are regular public washrooms and not the best for emptying/changing or anything with your appliance.
2) On the airplanes - HA I bet you thought I was going to say they suck but it's just the opposite. Airplane bathrooms in this case work really, really well. Oh ho - you are shocked I can tell. Well let me explain this one to you. Picture in your mind if you will. Along with the regular bathroom stuff of pulling down pants, hiking up shirts and all that stuff, you also have to hang on to the end of a little pouch and open the ziploc type thing at the bottom and let a shower of poop rain out. After the initial "dump" shall we say - then you take a little squeezy bottle of water and squirt a bit in there, rinse the bag and "dump" again. Rinse, lather, repeat you get the idea until the bag is relatively clean and you can then re-zip the bag and continue on.
In order to do all this stuff it is very important that you have a flat surface on which to set your squeeze bottle while you are maneuvering and that the toilet paper be very close at hand. You definitely don't want to let go of the little opening of the bag at any time. If you let it slip at the beginning it's possible you will rinse your pants and underpants in a shower of poop and if you let it slip after the initial empty but before it's clean then you're just dripping poop all over the place. So keep one hand on your ziploc thing and try with all your might to reach everything you need.
In airplane bathrooms everything is as close as I could ever want it to be. I didn't have to bend myself in half to get toilet paper (we've all been in those bathrooms where the genius who designed them put the roll as freakin' far away as possible from the toilet and you pretty much have to either get toilet paper before you sit or jump and hover to reach it). My squirt bottle was easily accessible at arm level. Usually in public washrooms I have to set it on the floor and once again bend in half while keeping a stern eye out for any poop rainfall or I have to balance it precariously on a toilet paper holder and sometimes watch it fall on the floor, shoot water everywhere and roll into a different stall at which point you have to suck it up and ask the person next to you if they would kindly roll back your poo pouch rinser.
3) In the airport - I am going to specifically highlight Chicago O'Hare International Airport on this one, it was our pit stop on the way home from Florida and it was my very first encounter with a machine that does the equivalent of putting a saran-wrap seal on the toilet seat. It's a box that sits at the back of the toilet seat, you wave your hand in front of a little sensor on the wall and with a whirr and a hum the saran wrap rotates a full 180 degrees so you have clean plastic lining to park your patootie on to do your business. For normal people this mechanism probably rocks. It works way better than those stupid toilet seat liners that hang on the back wall and are either totally empty when you need them or if there is one it slides all over the place and you end up peeing on a sheet of paper that gets you more disgusting than if you had just sat down on the germy seat to begin with.
For someone like me this saran-wrap thing was a nightmare. To empty the pouch in the most efficient and clean way you have to sit way back on the toilet seat so you have a lot of extra space in the front. This little machine-thingy takes up all the way back room - and so emptying and cleaning your pouch pretty much becomes impossible.
So those are my three bathroom ratings for you. I'm sure a couple of you are reading through them and saying "silly girl, why don't you just stand over the toilet and face forwards and empty your pouch that way? Then you don't have to worry about saran-wrap machines that take up room or anything like that."
If you can't admit it to the world then at least admit this one thing to yourself quietly. Everyone, at one point or another has had that BM. The one that's bigger than usual, probably a little heftier than usual - maybe you had a lot of shredded wheat that day for breakfast so things are really solid. And what happens when it hits the water in the bowl? You get a little cold water sprinkle action on your backside.
Now imagine what kind of tidal wave sprinkler action happens when you hover a good two feet above the toilet and let a shower of liquid doo dash into the toilet water. I think that explains that.
Stay tuned faithful readers, I will be updating again soon with more holiday information!
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