Another bum exam done and done

Warning, today's blog is slightly graphic and probably disturbing to most readers. That being said I encourage you to keep reading - cause otherwise what's the point?

Today's phrase of the day - "pre-lubricated rectal tube". Okay technically that was the word of the day on Wednesday but I'll get to that in a minute.

First I'd like to address a concern that was brought to my attention via a work friend. Her husband actually has this insane crush on me and I totally can't blame the poor guy so I'm stringing him along as my just in case dude. Brent buddy - this is for you.

I understand that some people (insert Brent's name here) were disappointed when I didn't update my blog more often when I was home from work for three long wonderful months at the end of 2011. I understand some people's (Brent's) confusion - I mean I had nothing to get up and leave the house for, nothing but daytime TV and books to keep me occupied during the day, couldn't even wear a real pair of pants because the waist band hurt. Well that is the answer to the question of why the blog wasn't updated more often. I don't leave the house, I become BORING!

I totally could have updated everyone in blog land the same way I updated my husband daily - "look I cleaned out the towel cupboard upstairs" or "I totally organized the pantry alphabetically and by baking, regular eating and random stuff." Or maybe my personal favorite "on Stephen and Chris today I learned how to make a vegetarian gravy from scratch that looks amazing!"

However, and this could just be my marketing and journalism background talking, I think that would have affected my readership in a negative manner.

So to all those people (Brent) who want to read more about my adventures - read on because today's blog post will test your loyalty to this page!

I had a check up today with my gastro - a sigmoidoscopy to be exact. It's a quick and uncomfortable procedure where a camera that looks like this:

is jammed into your butt hole about 5 inches in and then removed slowly so that your doctor can examine the inner lining of your lower bowel. For me today they were looking to see if I had any signs of disease and if my reversal was healing properly.

Before you go for one of these procedures you need to take a...drum roll please...ENEMA! Yes, two hours before you go to through the procedure you squeeze some fluid up there to do a little flush of the system.

The enema fluid is available over the counter at pharmacies, no prescription required.

Off I go to my local grocery store/pharmacy and hit the antacid/laxative aisle to look for what I need.

I was fooled a bit by the image of it on the shelf - besides having the word ENEMA in letters large enough that I was pretty sure the lady two aisles over could read it- the box looks harmless enough.

Oh but wait fair readers, I pull it off the shelf and then I hear a "what the?" from my husband. Turn the box to the side and the instructions are posted on the outside of the box. Which wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to see these instructions in graphic images to go with it!!

That first position is called the Sims' position. The only Sims I had ever heard of was those little make believe computer people - but no this is an actual medical term and is defined as the following:

a position in which the patient lies on the side with the knee and thigh drawn upward toward the chest. The chest and abdomen are allowed to fall forward. Left Sims' is the position of choice for administering enemas or conducting rectal examinations. Also called semiprone side position.

I think that kind of graphic imaging should be on the inside of the box on a piece of paper. Personally. I'm just sayin...

Besides the horrible pictures as you continue to read on the instructions say "remove protective cap from pre-lubricated rectal tube before using."

In that instant as far as the husband was concerned pre-lubricated rectal tube was the word of the day.

I just threw the damn box into the shopping cart and looked at him and said "I deserve better than this."

This morning I was re-reading the directions on the box to make sure I knew what I was supposed to be doing and believe it or not the manufacturers of the product have actually trademarked the name of their rectal tube - it's called a COMFORTIP TM.

Nice hey!

I will say that I've had to do a lot of awful and uncomfortable things since being diagnosed and this falls well short of what some of my worst experiences are. Besides being a bit uncomfortable it wasn't so bad. At least I didn't have to drink any rocket fuel. On the downside I don't know what they "pre-lubricated" with but it has the staying power of gum off hot cement on the bottom of your shoe. I just had a bath and I'm pretty sure I still didn't get it all off of there.

Waiting in the hospital waiting area my husband and I were joking around and laughing about the procedure. I mean only someone like me I suppose thinks it's funny that I'm going for a bum scope and I'm in day room #2 and I was his #2 patient on the roster.

I did ask my nurse if we were going to be in Theatre #2 and she laughed and said that he usually does use that room but today we were in number 3 and I couldn't think of anything bathroom related about the number three.

I did however pass on a piece of enlightened discussion that my husband announced to me while waiting - "hey I just realized that Dr. T is like a golfer - he gets through 18 holes a day!"

Good thing Dr. T has a sense of humor.

So - to wrap things up my incision is still healing but very slowly. This is mostly thanks to my medication which is an immune suppressant and affects things like healing.

Here's the latest photo opportunity for you - enjoy and if you live close enough and know me well enough if you print it off I'll autograph it for you. Oh and by the way, Dr. T is very happy with how well things healed, he says they look great and he's very happy. Score a point for team Potty Posse!

I have a follow-up with my surgeon on February 13 and I will keep you all updated. Until then, I leave you with this pearl of wisdom: You can save money in a lot of ways but it should never be by buying cheap toilet paper.

What was I thinking?

It is freakin' cold around here right now. And what am I doing? Getting ready to get out of bed and go to work. Definitely didn't think out this medical leave right. "I'll start at work the beginning of the New Year." "It will be a fresh start". I'm an idiot. It's minus 40 something with the wind chill and I'm going to have to get out of my nice warm bed and get dressed and drive in to work.

It could be worse of course, I do have heated underground parking at work and a nice cushy office but still.
So it's been two weeks to the day since I went back to work. How is it going? Good! At least I think it is.
The first week back was a 4 day week and the novelty of being in the office was kind of nice. People were excited to see me or they were at least putting on a good show of being excited to see me.
Then week two rolled around. Funny how after time off the second week back is harder than the first. Not only was it a full five days (which is a lot when the most you do for several months is go grocery shopping for a couple of hours in a week.
By Friday I felt like my brain had been run through a cheese grater.

I also went swimming without Chuck for the first time this month. It was AWESOME! I like going swimming. Makes me feel like I'm on holiday even when I'm not. And swimming without an ostomy was a joy. When I went swimming with him I was constantly worried. Is he sticking on? Is my swimsuit top riding up and people can see it? I made the mistake of a bit of horseplay with my sister in a pool in Florida and it managed to get knocked around and unstuck and that was the end of swimming for me that day.
Then when you get out of the pool you have this spot on your stomach that just doesn't dry like the rest of you. You can choose to blow dry your pouch until it's not soaking wet but that takes a long time and you kind of have to be flashing it around to do that. Or you can get dressed and wander around with a giant wet spot on the front of your shirt which looks weird and is darn uncomfortable.

I also spent some awesome quality time in the hot tub, something I haven't done since I got Chuck because the hot water made him not sticky and kind of angry.

This past weekend I went back to the gym and went for my one hour step class. I haven't done anything except light yoga for three and a half months so I was pretty nervous that I was going to spend most of the class with my head between my knees trying to not vomit. But I rocked out on the baby step and I killed it if I do say so myself.
The best thing about working out Chuckless? I have some control over bathroom time. When you have an ostomy you can control how it empties a little bit by your diet and when you eat. But that's about it. When it decides to fill up you have no say in the matter. And when do your insides get working the most? When you do physical activity. And when you're scared I guess...
So I did a whole class without my ostomy bag filling up to the point where I had to leave class and empty it. I also didn't worry that any of the twisting or movement would cause any problems with it sticking.

In all I'm really enjoying my new Chuck free lifestyle.
I am getting a lot of questions about what I can and can't eat. I can eat anything, but I feel best when I follow a pretty strict food plan. A lot of lean meats and vegetables, definitely breakfast, lunch and dinner with snacks. If I'm going to have grains then whole grains are best. That's the diet most of us should be following but I notice a huge difference when I do it simply because the digestion train in my body has way less tracks to cover.
If I eat beets at 6 p.m. beets are leaving the station by 8 p.m. And if I'm not careful they're leaving the station in a hurry.
By carefully watching what I eat I don't have to take any anti-diarrhea pills unless I'm not feeling well or I'm attending a special event. I know a lot of post-ostomates take them daily but I don't.

I have a scope next week - sigmoidoscopy - just to check and see that everything has healed well and that I have no signs of illness in there. I feel amazing, but I'm always nervous about what they're going to find. I don't know if exercising, being careful how I eat and taking good care of myself will make much of a difference in the long run but I know it sure can't hurt. I am on a mission - a mission to not have to go through surgery ever again. Hopefully with the advancements in medicine and a focus on my health my zombie tummy has seen it's last slice.